TOPIC: 10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 6
BIBLE REF: John 8:32, 1John 1:8, 3:18
Choose to Challenge Unspoken Truths
Some of the most insidious and destructive elements of a marriage are the assumptions spouses make about each other. Assumptions are sometimes based on previous experiences that have been interpreted and at other times are based on minimal factual information. They are beliefs that have been adopted that later become a part of the reality of the relationship.
The problem with assumptions is that they become what I call “ unspoken truths.”These are assumptions, which may or may not be true, that are accepted as truth in a marriage. Once accepted, partners give up trying to change these beliefs. These “unspoken truths” form the basis for how spouses act toward each other and drive much of what happens in the relationship. *Once spouses begin to accept these beliefs as givens in the relationship, they become the building blocks for their understanding of each other.*
Can you identify with any of the “unspoken truths” below?
*He cares more about his work than he does about me.*
*She changed when we had kids; they have always been more important than me.*
*He won’t ever change—that’s just who he is.*
*No matter what I do, she’ll never really love me.*
*He says he works all those hours for us, but I think it’s really to prove something to himself.*
*I think he likes the idea of marriage but just not the reality of being married to me.*
I have seen couples find hope in the transformation that happens when they *are willing to do the work of exposing “unspoken truths” in their marriages.* _Something powerful happens when spouses are willing to risk vulnerability with one another, speak their hurt, and put the other partner first in their marriage_ . *The same can be true for you in your marriage.*
If you will begin to identify the assumptions in your relationship and honestly share these “unspoken truths” with each other, you can make a clear choice to live your life together differently.
So many couples discover that they allow their entire marriage to be based on assumptions and beliefs, most of which are not true at all. When we make the brave choice to challenge these “unspoken truths” and no longer believe them, our relationship changes drastically. It may be overwhelming at first, but eventually this choice leads to healing and truth.
Complete these sentences with as much honesty and accuracy as possible with the intent to share with your spouse:_
*My partner does not understand that I need ________.*
*If I could change one part of myself for my partner, it would be _____.*
SERIES 9 PART 7
TOPIC: 10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 7
BIBLE REF: Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 4:20-21
Choose To Trust
Trust is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. Some of you have experienced betrayal in your marriage due to infidelity, lying, or other conflicts. Here is the thing about trust. It takes a long time to build, but it can be destroyed in an instant. Trust is the bedrock of every marriage relationship.
In my work with couples, I have discovered four primary conditions under which trust can grow and flourish in a marriage. First, trust starts with honesty. Some of you may lie to protect someone’s feelings, out of guilt, to avoid a conflict, or to prevent others from seeing the real you. But you probably lie most often because you are worried about what will happen if you tell the truth.
If you have tried to be honest in your relationship but that attempt has been met with anger or hurtfulness, you may be hesitant to be honest in the future. You are not doing your partner any favors by allowing their emotional reaction to prevent you from being honest. Having the difficult conversations shows your spouse that you care about a truly authentic relationship.
Second, trust demands integrity. If you want to be a person of integrity in your marriage, you have to stand for something. Choose your moral code carefully, as your decisions will flow out of those principles. If you are a person of integrity, your partner will know you will honor your promises, and this is a huge step toward building trust in a marriage.
Third, reliability is the dependable, consistent, and steadfast application of principles such as honesty and integrity over the long haul and in all types of situations. We are talking about having each other’s back here. When your partner needs you, you are there. If you choose to value your partner over yourself, then being a partner who is reliable, honest, and a person of integrity makes complete sense.
The last building block for a solid foundation of trust for your marriage is vulnerability. This involves allowing your spouse to get close to you and believing that she or he will be there for you when needed. Choosing to be vulnerable is risky—you can and often do get hurt. However, vulnerability is a step toward your partner and provides the opportunity for your spouse to make the right choice and be there when you need support—to actually come through for you.
Which building block of trust is most difficult for you to practice? Why?
God bless you for following up to the end of this teaching, NEXT SERIES COMING UP SOON!
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