TOPIC: *10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 1*
BIBLE REF: Isaiah 43:19,25, Romans 12:16-21
*Marriage Is About Choice*
_The big idea behind the transformation of your marriage is that you can make choices in key areas to heal it._ You are in control of the conflicts that occur in your relationship. Conflict, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. Conflicts will happen, but fights don’t have to. You can make different choices. *The first major choice both of you must make is to stop doing what has not worked in your relationship so far.*
Before you say this is oversimplifying marriage, think about it. Isn’t stopping what you’re doing wrong the exact place where you have to start? *You have to learn what doesn’t work in your relationship and make a clear choice not to do that anymore*. That is the one and only way you can make space to try new ways of handling problems.
*The second choice to make is deciding if you are willing to work together as teammates instead of competing against each other to achieve your own individual goals*. You can make a choice to do what your partner needs and give up what you need. You can choose to forgive your spouse even when you don’t feel your partner deserves forgiveness, (and we will talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t later this week.)
*Marriage is also about hope. There is hope that if you have made poor choices in the past, you can change the way you do things in the future. There is hope that your relationship and your future as a couple are not at the mercy of disagreements or conflict.* There is hope that the marriage you believed in when you said “I do” is not only possible but within your reach. And, there is room for hope even if hope never existed.
With so many hurting people and damaged marriages, I can’t emphasize enough that your marriage is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. Your relationship doesn’t have to continue on the way it is. You can choose to start making choices that will transform your marriage. You will learn how to understand the process of what happens when you and your partner are in conflict and how to focus more on the way you treat each other than on what you disagree about.
_What area of your marriage if restored would give you a sense of hope? Take a small step in that direction._
SERIES 9 PART 2
TOPIC: *10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 2*
BIBLE REF: Proverbs 11:17, 15:1, 18:20, Philippians 4:8-9
*Choose to Focus on the Process*
As we discussed on Day One, conflict is not a bad thing. What is important is how we deal with it. *One of the biggest myths about marriage is that fights “just happen”; that they are random, unpredictable events.* Instead, I believe that people make a conscious, deliberate choice when they decide to turn a disagreement into a fight. *The success of a marriage is often seen in how a couple handles conflict with one another.*
This devotional is intended to help both of you become open to feedback from each other, choose to become the most authentic, loving partners possible, and learn to bring real and lasting transformation to your marriage. In my work with couples, I believe that process matters much more than content. I don’t think a difference in beliefs or attitudes about a Process topic creates conflict between partners; most couples can work through differences of opinion. The way couples treat each other when they talk about issues causes the greater conflict. In fact, many couples, when they learn to focus on treating each other with respect, honor, and love, sometimes don’t even remember what they were arguing about!
To this end, we need to understand what is meant when we talk about process. When I refer to process, I am talking about the way two people interact within their marriage, how they treat one another, and what happens between them that drives the behaviors they choose to display. *Process focuses on how you relate to each other. In contrast, content focuses on what you disagree on every day—the specific issues that create difficulty such as parenting, work, or in-laws.*
I want you to begin thinking about conflict between you and your partner differently. Instead of thinking about conflict in terms of what you fight about, I want you to think about how you treat each other during an argument. For example, what are your attitudes and behaviors like? Are you mean and hurtful or do you show respect, love, and honor to each other? Do you interrupt and criticize each other, or do you listen well and focus on your partner?
Learning to make these choices will not be easy, nor will the potential challenges to your relationship be painless to overcome. You didn’t arrive where you are overnight, so you won’t build the marriage of your dreams overnight either. *The hope you can believe in is that you and your partner can choose to be in control of what happens in your relationship. If you have the courage to take this journey, the possibilities are life-changing.*
You are responsible for the choices you make within your marriage. Does that statement feel empowering or defeating? Why?
SERIES 9 PART 3
TOPIC: *10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 3*
BIBLE REF: Proverbs 19:20, James 1:19
*Choose To Listen*
_Changing how you speak to each other, when you speak to each other, and where you speak to each other are important for building success in your marriage_. Focusing on how you both feel rather than winning the argument and listening to your partner so that you truly understand what they want you to know are equally valuable choices. These choices can prevent the anger and resentment so many couples experience.
In the past, you may have felt enlightened for educating yourself with rules about fighting fairly in conflicts. I strongly disagree with such a notion. *Couples will have disagreements, but I don’t want you to “fight fair.” I want you not to fight at all! I want to show you how positive communication will cause a shift in the direction of wholeness.*
_So what does positive communication look like? Positive communication focuses on what is currently happening at present; it does not bring up the past and create a negative atmosphere by reinstating old emotions. It focuses on one clear issue at a time. Honest communication doesn’t muddy the waters with different issues that are sensitive and emotional. Stay on task._
Also, be aware that the *right setting is essential for proper communication. Productive discourse occurs when both parties have energy, clarity, and focus*. _Therefore, trying to communicate at the end of the day when you are tired is not a good plan for talking with your spouse about something confrontational. Don’t choose the heat of the moment to drive your point home or try to hide the truth, either. That choice has harmful results, and you are learning to keep it positive and honest._
*Choosing to be resilient in your relationship involves more than communication. Couples who function from a positive mindset are more cooperative than competitive. When the relationship becomes competitive, it has likely also turned negative. In contrast, a healthy marriage is a cooperative venture in which both partners try to help each other become the best people and the best spouses they can be.* The goal is not to win by ending up with more of the limited resources in the relationship, but to make sure that each partner is loved, accepted, valued, and honored in their interactions.
Is winning the argument more important to you than showing compassion toward your spouse? The next time you start to argue, intentionally choose to stop and listen to your spouse’s perspective. What happened when you did?
... Please Stay Tuned For Continuation
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