TOPIC: 10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 4
BIBLE REF: Matthew 18:21-22, Ephesians 4:22, Colossians 3:13
Choose to Forgive
Because of the necessity to forgive one another in any relationship we have, we are going to spell out what forgiveness looks like. There are four steps that couples need to learn in order to forgive. They are essential elements in the developmental process of forgiveness.
An authentic apology is the first step in the process of forgiveness and involves trying to understand why you offended the other person.* It also involves making a real effort to prevent it from happening again. Making a sincere apology is an ongoing process that requires commitment and follow-through. But I caution you from apologizing when you don’t mean it*. Apologize only when you mean it—when you believe that what you did was wrong and you want to put in the work to prevent doing it again.
Second, the process of forgiveness involves repentance. You have to show your partner that you are truly remorseful for your actions and that you have a plan in place that will make it possible for you to prevent a repeat performance in the future. This gives your apology some weight. If you don’t show remorse for your actions along with a clear desire to create lasting change in yourself, you don’t give your partner any reason to believe you won’t do the same thing again in the future.
Accountability is the third step because it involves both parties setting some expectations for the future. However, accountability involves more than holding each other responsible for making changes. It is also about developing a plan for success that clearly identifies all the factors that contributed to what happened.* This includes both partners, as one partner’s behavior may influence the ability of the other to make the necessary changes.
Lastly, accepting the apology of your partner means you are convinced that they feel true remorse for what they did and are working hard to prevent it from happening again. As a caution, you should not offer forgiveness unless you are honestly willing to let go of resentment and bitterness and treat the person as if the act hadn’t happened. You have to believe that your partner is capable of change and expect that they will succeed in that endeavor._ This is much harder to do than you might think. It is much easier to protect yourself by expecting your partner to fail than to open yourself up to future pain by expecting success.
When was the last time you showed true remorse for a wrong you had committed toward another? Was their response one of compassion or judgment?
SERIES 9 PART 5
TOPIC: 10 CHOICES SUCCESSFUL COUPLES MAKE 5
BIBLE REF: Colossians 3:2-4, Matthew 6:25-30, Philippians 3:13
Choose to Get Rid of Baggage*
The intent of today is to help you understand some of the relationship patterns you may have brought into your marriage from your childhood and your previous relationships. With knowledge of these patterns, you can learn positive strategies and stop using ineffective ones. Learning to change old patterns involves recognizing where you are in the process and getting out of it.
The patterns from the past, whether they come from your childhood or previous relationships, were successful and useful when you developed them. These behaviors and patterns helped you cope with the challenges you faced at those times. However, they may no longer be effective if the reasons you used them do not exist in your current marriage.
I want to share what I believe is a very helpful skill to creating a healthy process of handling conflict in your marriage. One of the most effective parenting interventions is the time-out. When a child’s behavior gets out of control or parents need to change the direction of a child’s behavior, they have the child take a time-out. The same principle can work wonders for your marital relationship. The goal is to learn how to work together to effectively disengage when your interactions are not healthy.
Either one of you can call for a time-out, but you both need to commit to honoring the request when it is made. Additionally, you both agree to let go of your desire to win the fight and trust that taking a break is best for both parties. Simply agreeing to table the fight for the time being is far better than saying or doing hurtful things. The important thing here is not to use the time-out to run away from the conflict. The partner who asks for the time-out should let the other partner know when they think it might be okay to talk about the issue again. I cannot overstate the importance of learning to take these time-outs.
By considering the baggage you both bring to the relationship from your families of origin and past relationships, you’ll understand why some of the patterns in your relationship occur. Something as simple (but not easy) as taking a time-out is a learned tool that provides clear steps for changing hurtful patterns within your marriage.
Honor your spouse when they ask for a time-out in the middle of an argument. How did that feel to put their need to ‘pause’ ahead of your need to continue with the argument?
... Please Stay Tuned For Continuation
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